Rajesh POV
Dear Diary,
13/07/2005
I kissed Krishna for the first time today. You know how I have been having feelings for him for a while now? I have never ever felt like this about anyone before. When I’m beside him, I am the happiest person alive. His bright smile makes my heart do somersaults and his laughter is like music for me. I wish to poke that dimple every time it appears. He has a cute little dimple, just on his left cheek, and since past few months I have been making jokes just to get a glimpse of that. When he turns his sparkling eyes towards me, my heart skips a beat and my mouth goes dry. I have realized that I notice the tiniest things about him and don’t ever miss an opportunity spend more time with him.
Well, I finally took my chance when we were at my place, after work, but still working on the new computer game. I was scared that he might freak out, say he wanted nothing to do with me. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. Besides, it would make things really weird at work. But I’m really not sure what happened. What does he want? Is it what I want? I seriously don’t know, because he didn’t give me a chance to explain.
The kiss was brief, our lips barely touched. Krishna backed away immediately, scared, confused. And then he all but fled. I called after him, but he dashed out so quickly. Even that feather touch kiss left me with goose-bumps. I know now, he is the only one for me. I also understand, I have long road ahead.
16/07/2005
I finally kissed Krishna today. He had deliberately avoided me since that day at my apartment. Even I had decided to give him some space and not push. But three days was enough and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I needed something from him At this point, I would have taken anything, even an acknowledgement would have been enough. I know I am sounding desperate, but I think I almost was. Three day silence, not even a casual greeting, was difficult to bear. I wanted to see his face, look into his eyes, hear his voice.. I knew he wouldn’t talk to me unless on his own accord even though the tension between us so thick that a knife could slice it. My Krishna was a sweet and shy person. I don’t think he even understands that two men could even be in relationship. However, I was determined to get my answer at the earliest opportunity.
And as was my luck, I snatched the perfect moment that presented itself today. We were at Nikhil, our colleague’s, birthday-bash. I saw the opportunity and grabbed Krishna by the hand, and we snuck an alone moment in the dark corner of the balcony. Neither of us spoke a word. We were just standing there, just inches apart, staring into each other’s eyes. He seemed a bit nervous but he didn’t protest or flee and I took it as a positive sign. Our second kiss lasted for entire minute and half.
It was amazing. I can still feel every sensation, taste, hands, mouth, tongue, everything. My lips still tingle when I run my fingers over them. I think I’m going to have some very sweet dreams tonight.
18/07/2005
I am taking Krishna out on a date this week! So, I had not heard from Krishna since Saturday evening and that amazing kiss. It’s an understatement if I said I was anxious. I was truly worried of his reaction when we met again. I did not call or text him, in case he needed time to process everything. However, I was nervous like I had never been before. I had taken a risk, a step forward. I just wished it wouldn’t backfire. However all my worries disappeared, when I met Krishna at the elevators. Our eyes met and I gave him a hesitant smile. I clearly saw a small smile creep up on his lips, which made the adorable dimple appear, but he immediately lowered his eyes. I saw a light blush spreading through his faintly tanned cheeks. Oh God! My baby was shy. He is so cute, I can’t even breathe. His reaction to me gave me hope and I took another step forward. It was just two of us in the elevators.
“So, umm Krishna, we submit the new game on Thursday, right?” He was still avoiding my gaze but he nodded slightly. He had started shuffling his feet now. I asked, “We will have a team celebratory dinner that night, but maybe we can go out on Friday evening, just the two of us? Maybe grab a bite to eat or catch a movie or something?” As I was speaking, I could see his face heating up. Although he made no sound, he gave me a tentative nod. It was not enough for me. So I lifted his chin with my finger but was met with eyes shut tight. I smiled, “Krishna, look at me.” He shook his head fiercely. God help me, I am falling for this guy every minute. “Krishna, please, I need to know you are okay.” He slowly opened his eyes and looked at me. Those beautiful brown orbs had welled up with tears. He said, “Umm..I.. don’t ..I don’t understand..” I smiled reassuringly, “It’s okay. We will take one step at a time. Tiny little steps.” I swept away a tear that had fallen on to his cheek and found myself promising to do that all my life. Somewhere along the way, his smile has become my happiness.
23/10/2005
This weekend was probably the best one in my life. Krishna and I were together since Friday night. It has become a routine now for us to spend weekends together. We would hang out at the shopping malls or at the movies eat lunch or street food depending on the area we were in. We spent countless hours at the beach and eating spicy pani puri. Krishna never missed a chance to eat the water-filled balls, it was his favorite. Sometimes Krishna would cook dinner for me and I don’t mean the instant stuff either. He has a pantry full of spices and when we felt like it we would just buy the raw ingredients and he would cook while I watched. He was an expert at chopping and adding flavors. I tried to help but he decided I was more an interference and so he had banned me for doing anything.
This weekend though felt different from the beginning. We had a full busy week and Krishna was on a business trip the last weekend and only returned late on Sunday night. So had only had time to have dinner on Friday before he had to catch his plane. It had been long seven days, where we had had barely anytime alone. So Friday when we left office, Krishna suggested that we should go to his house and that he would cook for me as he had already gone shopping for ingredients. I could sense a thrumming energy in the car. It felt so different and I found out why the moment we reached the apartment.
I entered the house behind Krishna and locked the door. No sooner had I turned I was pressed against the door by strong arms and was kissed demandingly. Usually until now our make-out sessions were initiated by me. Krishna is shy and he blushes beautifully but today he was eager. It was a pleasant surprise. Over the past couple of months we have had some heated make-out sessions, handjobs and even blow jobs but we had not done the ‘deed’, so to say. But on Friday when I laid Krishna on the bed and he moaned, “Raaj..take me, please. Make me yours Raj..”, how was I to resist? I am glad all my anal sex research and the fact that I had started carrying lube and condoms paid off. He was in pain on Saturday though. He was a beast in bed on Friday night but the next day when I cleaned him and bathe him again he kept blushing. He hid his face in the pillows when I applied some healing balm as it made him feel embarrassed. Oh god I keep falling deeper and deeper every day. He is just so cute.
19/11/2006
Late last night, Krishna came here, furious, crying. His sister, Avantika, had found out about our relationship, and she had not taken it well. Krishna said that she just couldn’t understand us. I held on, while he cried on my shoulder. We drifted off to sleep like that, cuddled together.
It was the most intimate night of my life, even more than when we had actually slept together. It was the proof that Krishna trusted me to provide the security that he needed. He had faith in our relationship that he defended it in front of his only family member, the only person other than me that he truly loved. It was something special. It was as if all the unspoken things were being said and understood. Quite a cliché, isn’t it? But true, I know now.
06/02/2008
I am the happiest person today. Krishna said ‘yes’. Well, of course not that ‘yes’, but it’s just as good. He has agreed to come with me to Australia. I have received a job offer that I’m going to accept. I was not going to leave without Krishna, of course. So now we are leaving as soon as all the formalities are completed. Krishna, well I don’t think a talented software engineer will have much problem finding a good job.
Ever since Krishna’s sister found out about us, their relations had been hanging by a thread and his decision to leave India with me, with a man, was the last straw. It just amazes me that two people who had no one else but each other in the world almost all their life, would be so naïve to let their relations deteriorate to this end.
Krishna had always been hopeful though. Always saying, “She just needs some time Rajesh. She is my sister, she’ll get over it.” Then with a pleading look, add, “She has to, Raj, she just has to.”
Unfortunately, she never did and I think Krishna has finally given up on her.
11/ 03/ 2008
We are at Singapore airport. Whoopee! We have a 9 hour stop over. No issues, there is a lot to see at this place. For someone who has never traveled out of India, this airport is absolutely breathtaking.
Krishna has gone to pick up some coffee for us. It broke my heart when Krishna said goodbye to Avantika. She didn’t even turn around…that…(I soooo w ant to cuss right now, but I know he wouldn’t like it). Her husband was actually more understanding.
Anyway, we are here now. It was suffocating both of us to keep our relationship a secret. Always being scared that our friends or colleagues might notice something, scared to be….just scared.
But now, we are free. We have decided to not give a damn about anyone and enjoy our lives openly in a place where two men living together would not become headline news.
I am happy and I plan to spend rest of my life making Krishna happy.
04/06/2031
Today, when I had booked tickets back to India, I went to find Krishna. I found him on the floor of our study in the Melbourne bungalow looking at some old photo albums.
Initially, Krishna had called Avantika thousands of times, in vain. So I had finally convinced him to stop calling.
Today, after over 20 years, we received a call from her husband. He thought it was his duty to let us know.
I said softly, “Our flight is at 1:00 am. I have called Shreya, she’s coming over.” Shreya, our beautiful daughter, lived in dorms at Deakin University.
Krishna, my lover, life-partner, husband, whatever you want to call him, looked up at me eyes brimming with tears, nodded slowly. After all that had happened, I know my Love was the only person who could have said those particular words.
I was sitting down next to him, taking him in my arms, rocking slowly, when he said in a barely audible voice, “She was a good person, Raj, a good person.”
Shreya's BL Ramblings 